off: new office policy;)

[суслик]

[october]

The Rules of Work
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
for everything that goes wrong.

[october]

Is a computer male or female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine = "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine = "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[october]

Office Wisdom
1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
6. Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Well, in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.
23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
26. If you're going be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?
32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....
33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!
34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.
35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

[Юрий Гомон]

"6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays."

A friend of mine says her father is a boss and he thinks that if an employee leaves the office late, it is not laudable, but vice versa, because it means they are unable to do what they need to do during working hours.

"There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office."

what's so shameful about it? People may do anything outside the office. As if the boss didn't drink beer and didn't leave empty cans in their car.

"Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them."

You must mean losers.

[Alexander Oshis]

October, thank you!

That one I like most of all: Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....