|
ну слава Богу, что не одна я в недоумении отошла в сторонку от этого поста, совершенно не поняв сути вопроса (( "The Cliche Expert Testifies on Love" (by Frank Sullivan in The Best of Modern Humor) Q--Mr. Arbuthnot, as an expert in the use of the cliche, are you pre-
pared to testify here today regarding its application in topics of sex,
love, matrimony, and so on?
A--I am.
Q--Very good. Now, Mr. Arbuthnot, what is love?
A--Love is blind.
Q--Good. What does love do?
A--Love makes the world go round.
Q--Whom does a young man fall in love with?
A--With the Only Girl in the World.
Q--Whom does a young woman fall in love with?
A--With the Only Boy in the World.
Q--When do they fall in love?
A--At first sight.
Q--How?
A--Madly.
Q--They are then said to be?
A--Victims of Cupid's darts.
Q--And he?
A--Whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
Q--Who loves a lover?
A--All the world loves a lover.
Q--Describe the Only Girl in the World.
A--Her eyes are like stars. Her teeth are like pearls. Her lips are ruby.
Her cheek is damask, and her form divine.
Q--Haven't you forgotten something?
A--Eyes, teeth, lips, cheek, form--no, sir, I don't think so.
Q--Her hair?
A--Oh, certainly. How stupid of me. She has hair of spun gold.
Q--Very good, Mr. Arbuthnot. Now will you describe the Only
Man?
A--He is a blond Viking, a he-man, and a square shooter who plays the
game. There is something fine about him that rings true, and he
has kept himself pure and clean so that when he meets the girl of
his choice, the future mother of his children, he can look her in
the eye.
Q--How?
A--Without flinching.
Q--Are all the Only Men blond Vikings?
A--Oh, no. Some of them are dark, handsome chaps who have sown
their wild oats. This sort of Only Man has a way with a maid, and
there is a devil in his eye. But he is not a cad; he would not play
fast and loose with an Only Girl's affections. He has a heart of gold.
He is a diamond in the rough. He tells the Only Girl frankly about
his Past. She understands--and forgives.
Q--And marries him?
A--And marries him.
Q--Why?
A--To reform him.
Q--Does she reform him?
A--Seldom.
Q--Seldom what?
A--Seldom, if ever.
Q--Now, Mr. Arbuthnot, when the Only Man falls in love, madly, with
the Only Girl, what does he do?
A--He walks on air.
Q--Yes, I know, but what does he do? I mean, what is it he pops?
A--Oh, excuse me. The question, of course.
Q--Then what do they plight?
A--Their troth.
Q--What happens after that?
A--They get married.
Q--What is marriage?
A--Marriage is a lottery.
Q--Where are marriages made?
A--Marriages are made in Heaven.
Q--What does the bride do at the wedding?
A--She blushes.
Q--What does the groom do?
A--Forgets the ring.
Q--After the marriage, what?
A--The honeymoon.
Q--Then what?
A--She has a little secret.
Q--What is it?
A--She is knitting a tiny garment.
Q--What happens after that?
A--Oh, they settle down and raise a family and live happily ever after-
ward, unless--
Q--Unless what?
A--Unless he is a fool for a pretty face.
Q--And if he is?
A--Then they come to the parting of the ways.
Q--Mr. Arbuthnot, thank you very much.
A--But I'm not through yet, Mr. Untermyer.
Q--No?
A--Oh, no. There is another side to sex.
Q--There is? What side?
A--The seamy side. There are, you know, men who are wolves in
sheep's clothing and there are, alas, lovely women who stoop to
folly.
Q--My goodness! Describe these men you speak of, please.
A--They are snakes in the grass who do not place woman upon a ped-
estal. They are cads who kiss and tell, who trifle with a girl's affec-
tions and betray her innocent trust. They are cynics who think that
a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. Their
mottoes are "Love 'em and leave 'em" and "Catch 'em young, treat
'em rough, tell 'em nothing" These cads speak of "the light that
lies in woman's eyes, and lies--and lies--and lies." In olden days
they wore black, curling mustachios, which they twirled, and they
invited innocent Gibson girls to midnight suppers, with cham-
pagne, at their bachelor apartments, and said, "Little girl, why do
you fear me?" Nowadays they have black, patent-leather hair, and
roadsters, and they drive up to the curb and say, "Girlie, can I give
you a lift?" They are fiends in human form, who would rob a
woman of her most priceless possession.
Q--What is that?
A--Her honor.
Q--How do they rob her?
A--By making improper advances.
Q--What does a woman do when a snake in the grass tries to rob her of
her honor?
A--She defends her honor.
Q--How?
A--By repulsing his advances and scorning his embraces.
Q--How does she do that?
A--By saying, "Sir, I believe you forget yourself," or "Please take your
arm away," or "I'll kindly thank you to remember I'm a lady," or
"Let's not spoil it all."
Q--Suppose she doesn't say any of those things?
A--In that case, she takes the first false step.
Q--Where does the first false step take her?
A--Down the primrose path.
Q--What's the primrose path?
A--It's the easiest way.
Q--Where does it lead?
A--To a life of shame.
Q--What is a life of shame?
A--A life of shame is a fate worse than death.
Q--Now, after lovely woman has stooped to folly, what does she do to
the gay Lothario who has robbed her of her most priceless posses-
sion?
A--She devotes the best years of her life to him.
Q--Then what does he do?
A--He casts her off.
Q--How?
A--Like an old shoe.
Q--Then what does she do?
A--She goes to their love nest, then everything goes black before her,
her mind becomes a blank, she pulls a revolver, and gives the fiend
in human form something to remember her by.
Q--That is called?
A--Avenging her honor.
Q--What is it no jury will do in such a case?
A--No jury will convict.
Q--Mr. Arbuthnot, your explanation of the correct application of
the cliche in these matters has been most instructive, and I know
that all of us cliche-users here will know exactly how to respond
hereafter when, during a conversation, sex--when sex--when--
ah--
A--I think what you want to say is "When sex rears its ugly head," isn't
it?
Q--Thank you, Mr. Arbuthnot. Thank you very much.
A--Thank you, Mr. Untermyer.
|