ОФФ: приличные "лингвистические" анекдоты

[Монги]

[risu]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer and a...........packet of crisps, please". The barmans asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear replies, "Dunno, I was born with them!"

[risu]

A: TOM! You know you can't sleep during the meeting!
B: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

[risu]

Gender-based Language

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Translucid Mushroom]

Про блондинок отлично (:

[risu]

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I`m a 6`
tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What`s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she`s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she`s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I`m gonna have to explain it five times."

[langkawi2006]

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".
"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.
"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".
"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.
"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

[essie]

2 Translucid Mushroom

Blonde on the Run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says the brunette.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says the blonde.

[essie]

To Translucid Mushroom-2

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful blonde wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends”.

[essie]

2 Translucid Mushroom-3

Chairman of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his blonde secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[essie]

2 Translucid Mushroom-4

Coffee, No Cream

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The blonde behind the counter says "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

[Brains]

BLONDE TERMINOLOGY
Anally — occurring yearly
Artery — study of paintings
Bacteria — back door of cafeteria
Barium — what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section — district in Rome
Cat scan — searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — sheep dog
Coma — a punctuation mark
Congenital — friendly
D&C — where Washington is
Diarrhea — journal of daily events
Dilate — to live long
Enema — not a friend
Fester — quicker
Fibula — a small lie
Genital — non-Jewish
G.I. Series — soldiers' ball game
Grippe — suitcase
Hangnail — coat hook
Impotent — distinguished, well known
Intense pain — torture in a teepee
Labour pain — got hurt at work
Medical staff — doctor's cane
Morbid — higher offer
Nitrate — cheaper than day rate
Node — was aware of
Outpatient — person who had fainted
Pap smear — fatherhood test
Pelvis — cousin of Elvis
Post operative — letter carrier
Protein — favouring young people
Rectum — damn near killed 'em
Recovery room — place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — amorous
Scar — rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — study of knighthood
Tablet — small tablet
Terminal Illness — sickness at airport
Tibia — country in North Africa
Tumor — an extra pair
Urine — opposite of you're out
Varicose — located nearby
Vein — conceited

[Brains]

2 essie

Chairman of the Board

А вот это действительно хороший анекдот, хоть и не лингвистический. :-)))

[essie]

Now лингвистический:
HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE

Ingredients: cup of water, 1 tsp of baking soda, 1 cup of sugar, 1 tsp of salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large egg nuts, 1 bottle of Vodka, 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is still OK. Try another cup.... just in case
Turn off the mixer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters pry it loose with adrewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit?
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka!

CHERRY MISTMAS!!!

[essie]

IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her:
“Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call? Can you not understand what you put your old Mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."
"You what?! Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad-- as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For my little brother - this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
“Now what was it you said you had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff”.
"Oh! By Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug”.

[essie]

Lonely Old Woman

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to
keep her company.

So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing
seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her!

He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old
lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't anything else.

So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the
frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."

So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.

Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned
into?

Scroll down...

The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead)