off: new office policy;)

[суслик]

Dear colleagues,

DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[Юрий Гомон]

кому смешно, а кому и страшно

[october]

also
http://www.jibjab.com/view/250244

[Dimking]

в прошлом году было, но все равно смешно :)

[october]

Office Rules

1. In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

2. a) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
b) A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
c) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

3. The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks in your office.

4. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

5. An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.

6. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.

7. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

8. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

9. If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man - he will find an easier way to do it.

[Юрий Гомон]

hee hee. If others lose their heads, does it mean they understand the problem?

[october]

New Office Rules
Team,

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2007.

Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a 10-year old car or take public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings and money and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a Ford, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise too.

Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's Medical Certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work...

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Internet Usage:
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (Note: $2 per minute)

Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[october]

Office rules

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking impatient and annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative sighing for effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.

11. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

[october]

Office lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM-LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta' here.

[october]

The Rules of Work
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
for everything that goes wrong.

[october]

Is a computer male or female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine = "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine = "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[october]

Office Wisdom
1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
6. Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Well, in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.
23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
26. If you're going be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?
32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....
33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!
34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.
35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

[Юрий Гомон]

"6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays."

A friend of mine says her father is a boss and he thinks that if an employee leaves the office late, it is not laudable, but vice versa, because it means they are unable to do what they need to do during working hours.

"There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office."

what's so shameful about it? People may do anything outside the office. As if the boss didn't drink beer and didn't leave empty cans in their car.

"Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them."

You must mean losers.

[Alexander Oshis]

October, thank you!

That one I like most of all: Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....