Off: Too funny not to share :)

[Serahanne]

The following excerpts are supposedly actual answers given on history
tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th
grade ages. They were collected over a period of three years by two
teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of
course, spelling... (to say nothing about historical accuracy!)

*****

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desseret. The climate of
the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

*****

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up to
Mount cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached
Canada but the commandos made it.

*****

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like
he was sort of busy too.

*****

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.

*****

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock
which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.

*****

During the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits,and threw the java. The games were messier than they show on
tv now.

*****

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped: "Same to you, Brutus."

*****

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.

*****

Queen Elizabeth was the "virgin queen," As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

*****

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.

*****

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.

*****

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which
was very dangerous to all his men.

*****

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

*****

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in
Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was
having none of that, that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.

*****

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes, He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

*****

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.

*****

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

*****

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

*****

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on the old spinster which
he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

*****

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

*****

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up.

*****

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

*****

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it
was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but
without watches who knew anyway? I don't get it.

*****

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do that what
she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't
get to find radios because they were already taken.

*****

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

[Annaa]

Спасибо огромное! Давно я так не веселилась

[DAKK]

Байки

[Lenkin]

students of 5th 6th grade were not bad actually
funny of course

[Монги]

Класс:)

Мне особенно понравилось про Соломона и Баха

[Annaa]

А мне Моисей с коммандос понравился

[Ольга Н]

Это так страшно, потому что тот, кто это пишет, станет или консультантом российского правительства, или президентом США... А мы будем все это терпеть!!! По-моему, лучше смеяться над смешными фамилиями...

[Монги]

2Ольга Н:

Ой... Не драматизируйте. Ну был у нас Хрущев с его знаменитой тапочкой. Ну и что, страшно было? По-моему нет; смешно, обидно, оскорбительно - да, страшно - да не в жисть.

[btw]

Hilarious!
Устами младенца.
"Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. " is a hit!

[Serahanne]

To Olga: I am not even sure that they are ACTUAL tests, each "answer" is probably a combination of a few students' answers. I don't think they are scary - I witnessed a few mishaps like that as a kid myself, and the children who made them turned out alright :)

To Annaa: That was my favourite too - I laughed so loud, that somebody rushed into my office to see if I was OK! :)

[justboris]

My favorite: "After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline."