ОФФ: ВОТЧТО я называю повезло с халтурой!

[politician]

Пришла халтура, 117 листов - анекдоты по группам : про блондинок, про животных, про знаменитостей... за это платють ведь еще!

кусочек про блондинок))

An easy solution
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[politician]

ищщщо)))

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.
))

ну не до коликов в животе, конечно, прям трудно улыбку сдерживать на работе))

[VCNG123]

И работа и веселье :) всегда бы так.

[politician]

Долбоамерикосы)) уверен, что в реальной жизни было чОт подобное)

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

[politician]

аминь)

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one. So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one. "You dumbass -- that's ME!

[politician]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

Интересно, сколько я все это буду переводить.. на меня уже бухгалтерия косится... сижу и тихо ржу))) american humOr

[politician]

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!" The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"

[VCNG123]

Чтоб не косились переведи для них парочку анекдотов :) устрой саботаж рабочего дня.

[Монги]

politician doesn't like blondes, does he?

[politician]

One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was a thermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it to work one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said what is that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What does it do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you have in it? I have coffee and a popcycle in it.

интересно, кому понадобилось это переводить на русский?!

[politician]

politician definitely likes them)))
moreover))) i should say that my Beauty is a blonde and ... financial analyst in one bottle)

[politician]

уже))) весь кабинет ржот)
кстати, я заметил. что самые убийственные анекдоты получаются, когда рассказываешь его человеку, который нифига по-аглицки не шпрехает)))
особо убийственно объяснять в чем прикол.

[politician]

Two Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

[Serge1985]

"Beauty is a blonde and... financial analyst in one bottle"

ugu, all-in )))

[Монги]

off-in-off: d'u know scientists predict that blondes will supposedly disappear about 20 yrs from now?

[politician]

Our reply to America:

Moscow, 2080. A grandson asks his grandpa:
- I wonder why do we call this country "Russia"?
- Cause, my boy, when I was young, it was inhabited by Russians

However, there is another opinion on the planet's future:

Texas, 2080
A boy: Granny, how much did Coca-Cola cost right after WWIII?
Granny: oh, it was dear... some fifteen kopecks, my boy )))

Some more philosophy:
Optimists learn English, pessimists - Chinese, realists learn to handle AK-74 )))

[politician]

yup)) 2 both))

Commiting suicide
A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

[politician]

-What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?

-A hundred dollar bill.

[Serge1985]

опа, политишн сплагиатил мой пост )))
но ничего, я не в обиде ))))

Хочу добавить:
Если кролика неделю не кормить, то он может проглотить удава, а если на это время его еще и отлучить от крольчихи, то удав пожалеет, что его сразу не проглотили.

[politician]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job...

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Serge1985]

гы-гы, еще

- Девушка, вы на следующей выходите?.. Что вы на меня так смотрите?.. Я не собираюсь с вами знакомиться. Я просто хочу узнать, выходите вы или нет.
- Нет уж, поздно! Уже познакомились. Теперь всё...))))

[politician]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember...
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Чет я.. кажись саботировал всем раб день))

[Serge1985]

Совещание в Белом доме. Кандолиза Райс:
- Итак, я считаю, что приоритетной задачей является пункт....ммм...скажем, B2.
Буш:
- Блин, четырех палубник ранен!

[politician]

Serge1985,

открою Вам секрет)))
Когда я был в городе Пенза в командировке... там все происходит именно так))
там дамы сами знакомятся)))

4-х палубник - зачед)))

[Монги]

... хочу в Пензу...

[Serge1985]

politician
http://www.yaplakal.com/forum7/topic281664.html

обожаю сайт "Я плакалЪ"

Идет заседание Верховной Рады Украины
На повестке дня вопрос: как использовать землю в окресностях Чернобыля? Злаковые сеять нельзя, корнеплоды тем более…
Предлагает один депутат: А давайте засеем поля табаком, а на пачке напишем: «Минздрав в последний раз предупреждает…»

[politician]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shit and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."

мне тут очепятка понравилась) как-то незатейливо и плоско. но улыбнуло)

[politician]

............ц раб дню)
про рыбу что-то сильно пробрало.

[Serge1985]

Монги
"... хочу в Пензу..."
а смысл?! все равно потом возвращаццо в Мск!

[politician]

Moon Mission

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over." "Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear." "Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?" "Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over." "That's right. Over and out." They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2? Come in please." "Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear." "OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?" "Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program." "That's right, Pig 2. Over and out." An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. "Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?" "Kiki here, reading you loud and clear." "Kiki, do you remember your instructions?" "Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

[Serge1985]

На что только не пойдёт любитель гаджетов, чтобы получить заветный айфон 4! Но всех переплюнул ДАМ!

[Serge1985]

Не доверяя авиапочте, г-н Медведев лично слетал за Iphone 4. Остальным россиянам он привёз в подарок надежду на инвестиции.

[Serge1985]

Путин предложил Шевчуку остаться лидером ДДТ на второй срок. )))

[Serge1985]

Вот это реально зачотная тема!

http://funpark.ru/item/2082
Новосибирск. Конец октября. 2 часа первой снежной ночи. Очень длинная очередь на шиномонтаж. В очереди железная дисциплина. Иногда ОЧЕНЬ крутые машины проезжают мимо очереди к боксам. Там они разворачиваются, очень быстро возвращаются и встают в очередь. Их гонит не совесть, не злоба других водителей и не монтажники. Их гонит объявление на листе формата А4. Текст объявления:

"Лица с нетрадиционной сексуальной ориентацией, а также члены партии "Единая Россия" обслуживаются ВНЕ ОЧЕРЕДИ. Администрация."

Все, пора работать.

[politician]

Пенза - это зло.. Там таааааааааак разврящаешься! жуть!
*сплошная амораловка*

[Surefire]

— Интересно, кто сочиняет анекдоты про блондинок?
— Брюнетки. Одинокими зимними вечерами. ))

[politician]

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

Translator.
(а я б сказал интерпретер, америкосы...)

[politician]

double vodka

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

[politician]

What did one gay sperm say to the other?

I can't find my way through all this shit.

чет заказчег жжоть....