мотивационное письмо

[Yulia2111]

Здравствуйте!
Проверьте, пожайлуйста, мое мотивационное письмо в испанский университет.
Зранее спасибо!

Dear Sir/Madam,
During the last five years I was studying in the Academy of Public Administration of St Petersburg, Russian Federation with very high marks. In June 2009 I will be graduating with a Degree in Public and municipal administration with specialization in Management of "economic safety and area security". And now I’m writing a graduation work “The World Experience of administrative management”.
I am standing on the eve of a new stage of my life. I know that I don't want to stop at what I have achieved to date. The knowledge and experiences that I have at the moment are not enough for success in my career and to contribute to society as I wish. Therefore I wish to continue my education and to study for a Masters degree.
Having reviewed a number of programs, I believe that studying at the program Master on Euroasian International Business I will be able to obtain the necessary knowledge, improve my qualifications and increase my own market value.
I was born and grew up in Russia. In a country of two continents, in a country where we have a bridge on one side of which there is Europe and on other – Asia. Currently Russia is rapidly developing relationships with Europe and Asia. Negotiations about Russian entry into WTO are in progress, a strategic partnership agreement between the Russian Federation and the European Union is already in place. Russia and Europe trade in various goods and raw materials.
The largest neighbor of Russia in Asia is China. Russia and China are cooperating in diverse spheres such as policy, economy and security matters. Our countries have many mutual problems, for example the environmental issues. We also have a lot of joint undertakings. Chinese owned factories and even whole towns are currently being built in several parts of Russia. Increasingly Russian companies are turning to Chinese producers of various commodities to establish partnerships and profitable business agreements.
In Russia, professionals trained to the high European standards capable of running business in accordance with international standards are in short supply. This lack of skilled professionals is delaying progress. This is why in studying at the Universitat Autonoma de Barcelona on Master on Euroasian International Business program I see the opportunity not only to develop a career and succeed in life but also the possibility to have a positive impact in the development of Russian-European and Russian-Asian relations.
I believe that my background, qualifications, work experience and predilections stated in my Curriculum Vitae meets the entry requirements of the Universitat Autonoma de Barcelona for this program.
Given my strong desire to continue my education and study particularly in this program I would very much appreciate your favorable consideration of my request. I thank you in advance and look forward to your response with hope.
Sincerely yours
Yulia Sidorova

[sledopyt]

Yulia, please see the suggested additions/corrections in CAPITALS (я мог допустить опечатки, так что перепроверьте текст, когда перепечатаете):

Dear Sir/Madam OR Sir,

I AM RIGHTING TO EXPRESS MY STRONG INTEREST IN THE _____ PROGRAMME OFFERED BY YOUR UNIVERSITY. During the last five years I was studying in the Academy of Public Administration of St Petersburg, Russian Federation with very high marks. (предлагаю, убрать это предложение, включив часть информации в следующее предложение) In June 2009 I will be graduating FROM THE ACADEMY OF PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION IN ST. PETERSBURG (RUSSIA) with a Degree in Public and municipal administration (correct: degree in Public and Municipal Administration) with specialisation (suggest using British spelling, since you're applying to a European university - но это не критично --> specialiSation) in Management of "economic safety and area security" (кавычки не нужны, если это официальное название программы, используйте прописные начальные буквы --> Management of Economic Safety and Area Security - хотя не совсем понятно, что вы имеете в виду под "area security" ). And now I’m writing a graduation work “The World Experience of administrative management”. (suggest to change to --> My graduation thesis is entitled "The World Experience of Administrative Management.").

NOW THAT I am standing on the eve of a new stage ABOUT TO MAKE THE NEXT STEP IN of my life, I REALIZE know that I don't want to stop at what I have achieved to date. I ALSO FEEL THAT The knowledge and experiences that I have GAINED SO FAR at the moment are not enough for success in my career and to contribute to society as I wish. Therefore I wish to DECIDED NOT TO STOP AT WHAT I HAVE ALREADY ACHIEVED AND TO continue my education AT AN ADVANCED LEVEL. and to study for a Masters degree.
AFTER Having THOROUGHLY reviewed a number of programMEs OFFERED BY RUSSIAN AND EUROPEAN UNIVERSITIES, I FEEL believe that studying at the program OFFERED BY YOUR UNIVERSITY (Master on Euroasian International Business) PERFECTLY FITS THE NEEDS OF ADVANCING MY KNOWLEDGE, I will be able to obtain the necessary knowledge, improve WIDENING my qualifications, and increase my own market value AND HELPING ME BECOME A MORE VALUABLE PROFESSIONAL.

I was born and RAISED grew up in Russia, THE In a country of THAT SPANS two continents, THE in a country where EUROPE AND ASIA MEET, MAKING IT A VERY UNIQUE PLACE FROM ECONOMIC RELATIONS STANDPOINT. we have a bridge on one side of which there is Europe and on other – Asia. Currently Russia is rapidly developing relationships with COUNTRIES IN BOTH Europe and Asia. Negotiations ON about Russian RUSSIA'S entry into THE WTO are in progress, a strategic partnership agreement between the Russian Federation and the European Union is already in place. Russia and Europe ARE ENGAGED IN tradING ACTIVITIES THAT INVOLVE BOTH in various goods and raw materials.

The largest ASIAN neighbor of Russia in Asia is China. Russia and China are cooperating in diverse spheres, such as policy POLITICS?, economy, and security matters. Our countries have many mutual SHARE MANY problems, for example, the environmental issues. We also have a lot of joint undertakings VENTURES ?. Chinese owned factories and even whole towns are currently being built in several parts of Russia. (не нравится мне всё-таки эта мысль - не хотите ли избавиться?) Increasingly Russian companies are turning to Chinese producers of various commodities to establish partnerships and profitable business agreements.
In RussiaN BUSINESS AND ECONOMY ARE IN DIRE NEED FOR professionals trained to the high European standards, capable of running business in accordance with international standards NORMS AND REQUIREMENTS are in short supply. ThE lack of skilled professionals is delaying progress IN DEVELOPING MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN COUNTRIES IN THE EURASIAN REGION.

I AM CONFIDENT THAT This is why in studying MY STUDIES at the Universitat Autonoma de Barcelona on AT THE Master on Euroasian International Business programME I see the opportunity WOULD BE not only A GREAT OPPORTUNITY to develop a career and succeed in life but WOULD also ENABLE ME the possibility to have a positive impact in ON the development of Russian-European and Russian-Asian relations.
I believe that my ACADEMIC background AND qualifications, AS WELL AS MY work experience and predilections (что это?) stated OUTLINED in my Curriculum Vitae meets the entry requirements of the Universitat Autonoma de Barcelona for this programME.
I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME A GRADUATE STUDENT AT YOUR UNIVERSITY IN A PROGRAMME THAT VERY MUCH APPEALS TO MY PROFESSIONAL INTERESTS AND CAREER GOALS. Given my strong desire to continue my education and study particularly in this program

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR TIME READING THIS LETTER AND CONSIDERING MY CANDIDATURE. I would very much appreciate your favorable consideration of my request. I thank you in advance and I AM lookING forward to your REPLY response with A hope OF A POSITIVE OUTCOME.

Sincerely yours,
Yulia Sidorova

[Bernie]

1. In June 2009 I will be graduating FROM THE ACADEMY OF PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION IN ST. PETERSBURG (RUSSIA) with a Degree in Public and municipal administration - I will graduate
2. I am writing to express...
3. The knowledge and experiences that I have GAINED SO FAR - I had gained ...
4. RussiaN BUSINESS AND ECONOMY ARE IN DIRE NEED FOR professionals trained - RussiaN BUSINESS AND ECONOMY ARE IN DIRE NEED IN......

[Serge1985]

sledopyt

Судя по изложению, у Вас большой опыт в написании подобных вещей. Поясните пожалуйста (и/или укажите ссылки):
а) зачем вообще нужно мотивационное письмо;
б) по каким критериям его писать;
в) уместно ли "яканье" в таком письме?

[sledopyt]

Serge1985

Судя по изложению, Вам не чужд структурный подход к вопросам, что мне импонирует.

Опыт небольшой, но имеется. Приходилось самому писать такое письмо на прием в западный университет. Еще помогал друзьям составлять подобные письма. От туда и повелось...
So here we go item by item:

а) Как Вы знаете, в большинстве западных стран прием в университет осуществляется не на основе вступительных экзаменов. Комиссия принимает решение о приеме/отказе на основе следующих составляющих:
- Успеваемость на предыдущем месте учебы - very important! (во многих универах существует требование о величине среднего балла, ниже которого кандидатура абитуриента просто не рассматривается).
- Мотивационное письмо. Очень важный элемент, как оказалось, особено при поступлении на поствузовскую (graduate) программу.
- Характеристики с места работы или предыдущей учебы.
- Прочие документы (могут разниться в зависимости от вуза).
Детали можно изучить на сайте любого университета в разделе Entrance Requirements/Applying/Admissions etc.

б) Иногда письму придается настолько серьезное значение, что существуют строгие (или скажем, четкие) требования к его написанию. Это в первую очередь касается количества знаков (not too big, not too small). Детали опять же на сайтах. Наверняка, есть и шаблоны.

в) Да. Письмо - это по сути Ваш "sales pitch". Вы рекламируете и "продаете" свои способности, успехи, your personality, if you will (stating your goals and motivations is also a big part of it). And since in that case you are both "the commodity" and the seller, the first person is the way to go. The more, the better.

Hope this helped. Are you thinking of applying?

[Yulia2111]

Огромное спасибо за работу над моим письмом!
Management of economic safety and area security дословно в моем дипломе будет звучать, как УПРАВЛЕНИЕ БЕЗОПАСНОСТЬЮ ЭКОНОМИКИ И ТЕРРИТОРИИ.
А про мост, по одну сторону которого Европа, а по другую - Азию, точно лучше совсем убрать? Я понимаю, что по-ангийски это звучит несколько коряво и не понятно, но хотелось добавить чего то именно от себя в этом потоке общих штамповых фраз...
И снова огромное спасибо!

[Serge1985]

sledopyt

*Вам не чужд структурный подход к вопросам*

Не чужд - с детства играл в шахматы.

*Как Вы знаете, в большинстве западных стран прием в университет...*

Упоминалось в курсе страноведения, но никогда серьезно этим не интересовался. И на то есть серьезные причины.

*Детали опять же на сайтах. Наверняка, есть и шаблоны.*

Кто ищет - тот найдет.

*Письмо - это по сути Ваш "sales pitch"*

Подороже себя продать? Как в резюме при устройстве на работу.
*The more, the better.* Не соглашусь! Главное - золотая середина. Перебарщить опасно. Почти все можно проверить.

*Hope this helped. Are you thinking of applying?*

Helped, thanx, but not in order to apply! :))

[keyboard.im]

just imho:

economic safety and area security случайно не economic and environment security?

и
The World Experience of administrative management = The World PRACTICES of administrative management?