off: funny farewell letter

[суслик]

Jay Rodriguez/JPMCHASE
06/22/2007 01:16 PM
Subject Farewell

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “meets expectation.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can’t believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I’m happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company’s rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it’s a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us “faceless little people” more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient (”because it’s good for the company”) in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don’t bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

_

*Post Scriptum: I do not advocate burning bridges in this manner, this is simply a viral email that I wanted to share.

[d.]

сус, 5 баллов

[суслик]

d.,
:)))))

[d.]

сус, а форвардни мне моё письмо, у тебя осталось в почте? интересно перечитать))

[Lebed]

LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL))) thanks)
and some people dare to say that that foreigners' sence of humour is questionable?)

[суслик]

done, а у тебя большой circulation list был, не помнишь?)

[october]

Mebby the writer and суслик are right about those guys, but their names dont ring a bell so I cant join in a hilarious laughter. Sorry

[суслик]

october,
i simply liked the style;)

[Susan]

Сильно... Наверное, подходит к большинству работников большинства контор...

[_Крокус_]

:) Классно! Я своим тоже такое скоро напишу, только на русском :)

[justboris]

oh, dear...
I hope you did not send smth. like that, did you? ;&)

[суслик]

_Крокус_, сжигаете мосты?
jb, i had one more week to decide on that actually)

[justboris]

Original story here: http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/email/leaving.asp

[Natasha_777]

По-моему, это из области тех историй, которые все мечтают написать на прощание в своей компании, но никто никогда не делает (а вдруг когда-нибудь в будущем кто-тот проверит референс?)
Напоминает подарки Бильбо Сумкинса в самом начале "Властелина": "а тебе, ХХХ, как самому жадному, в подарок сугроб снега зимой" (точного текста не помню, ест-но)
Мне вот хочется сделать подобный подарок тем манагерам, которые всегда над душой стоят и кричат "быстро, быстро" - подарить какую-нибудь несуразицу быстро сляпанную :)

[alk]

Человек не высказывал всё это пока работал, потому что боялся, а теперь решил всех вывести на чистую воду, но сам при этом уходит. Всерьёз полагая что это хоть кого-нибудь из перечисленных заденет?
Очень сильная позиция личности с менталитетом моськи.

[october]

Простейший прикол, без всяких аллюзий на И.А.Крылова. Да судя по стилю, Jay Rodriguez делает заказ в ресторане с большим напряжением умственных способностей. Хотя деловой стиль в норме.Так и должно быть.Специализация.

[суслик]

я думаю, что вы слишком анализируете

[october]

2суслик
Увы! Есть такое. А и у русских классиков были главные герои-анализаторы(вечно рефлексировали).

[october]

Как Валентина говорит Валентину: Вас заел анализ.(Из Чехова)

[суслик]

october,
это прекрасно на самом деле.

[Julka]

Это надо не письмом, это надо выставить "отвального", поднять бокал шампанского и со слезами умиления на глазах и с яростной улыбой во весь морд, очень торжественно и проникновенно это все лично высказать :)

[october]

2 Julka
Только в оригинале, никак иначе. Иначе в переводе начнется полный навзрыд от смеха. Шампанское нужно тоже оригинальное.

[justboris]

у Веллера есть такой рассказик - "Завещание" - оч. похоже по смыслу ;)

[Julka]

помните фильм "Лжец, лжец" с Джимом Кэрри? Как он рассказал совету, что он о них думает? похохотали все ;)

[october]

http://www.mk.ru/blogs/MK/2007/09/27/srochno/314695/

Размножил в переводе и раздал. Говорить ничего не надо, наливай и пей.

[october]

http://www.mk.ru/blogs/MK/2007/09/27/srochno/314695/

Размножил в переводе и раздал. Говорить ничего не надо, наливай и пей.

[october]

Пардон, какое-то двоение идет.

[суслик]

а нету ли ни у кого под рукой случайно ссылочек на реальные сэмплы FL?

[Ita Takana]

блин, уволнялась лишь однажды и поняла, что не зря потратила нескоько лет жизни на то, чтобы работать с людьми, по которым я до сих пор скучаю и которых уважаю. Письмо хорошее, но убить семь лет жизни на такую работе???....... на фига?
задумалась, написала бы ли я такое сейчас? нет, все равно по большому счета повезло с работой, даже как-то завтра захотелось поскорей за свой рабочей стол (хотя завтра опять на работу будет не стоять)

[суслик]

Ita,
*хотя завтра опять на работу будет не стоять*
в афоризмы

[Ita Takana]

это во мне еще немецкое пиво бродит)))